Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Ramblings from a concerned momma'...

Thankfully, Shepherd's second round of Meningitis involved much less suffering than the first round. After two days in the hospital, they confirmed that he did NOT have bacterial, but rather, viral...therefore we got to come home. I still can't believe his diagnosis. After 4 days of a persistent (but seemingly mild headache), he began saying it hurt his head to walk. And within 12 hours, he went from having a mild headache, to a horrific one. We almost didn't go to the hospital...his neck wasn't stiff, he hadn't had any kind of cold/virus that we knew of...I was confident he couldn't have meningitis. But I was becoming concerned about swelling around his brain...especially when he began vomiting! But again, what in the heck would cause his brain to swell...right?!?! Chad was convinced it was just a virus...I was becoming convinced something was very wrong. So, after watching him for about two hours, I told Chad that we had to go to the hospital...I apologized in advance for the fact that I would probably be wrong...that he was probably fine...but I just couldn't take a chance!

I will never doubt my "mommy instincts" again!

...And having said that, I've officially become "that parent"...ya' know...the one who is over-protective?...over-worried?...over-cautious?...yup, that is now ME. Over the past six years, I've actively tried to be laid back about Shep's illnesses. Despite the fact that he's had more E.R. visits and Hospital stays than 10 adults COMBINED, I've really tried to NOT be paranoid. I've approached most of his illnesses with a sense of calm and have tried to shrug each infection/virus off as an odd coincidence or fluke....although in the back of mind I've inevitably looked at his peers (and his younger siblings) and wondered why no other children his age are being hit by the same illnesses as he's been hit.

After all, he LOOKS healthy...he's a physically strong, athletic and gorgeous little boy with a healthy appetite...he has more energy than the Energizer Bunny! So, the fact that a mere cold or mild virus or patch of eczema winds him up in the hospital is mind boggling to me.

And these are the thoughts that have been buzzing around my head for the past 3 days...I literally feel as if someone has blown smoke in my brain. Some friends dropped by to see if we needed anything last night, and I felt like such a space cadet...just staring at them with my mouth open and feeling completely unable to form a coherent thought. Because the truth is, that despite my seemingly calm facade, I'm inwardly flippin' out. He's my first born child...my only son...my sweet tender hearted little boy. And to think that we could be facing a lifetime of bizarre illnesses...to think that every time he sneezes, or complains of a headache or stomach ache, or leg ache that we will have to be on guard for something serious...it makes my head spin.

Selfishly I want to be thinking about which basketball team he's going to play on this Fall...NOT what sickness he could develop by playing on that basketball team. And I must admit to feeling extremely guilty...I am struggling with wondering what I did wrong while pregnant with him or when he was a newborn...did I fail to give him the nutrients his little body needed to develop a strong immune system?!

(sigh) So...these are my ramblings. We're currently waiting for the Immunity Test results to come back. We were told to start him on Purified Fish Oil and Kefir to begin fortifying his body. And while we wait...Shep gets to play Lego's, read books, and watch all the Disney movies he can handle! :-)


Jamie said...

My heart hurts too. I'm praying for total healing of all underlying causes. Love you guys.

Kristin said...

I'm so glad Shep is doing better and you guys are at home now! You have been in our thoughts and prayers and we'll continue to keep lifting you guys up!

Michael and Hannah said...

Ugh, Linds, what a stressful thing. So scary to have to worry about your baby boy like that. We're praying!! God is bigger than this. Shep is so blessed to have THAT mom for his mother! Love you.

April said...

Hi Lindsay!
I realized you had a blog back when you were on facebook. I check it from time to time (I hope you don't mind). I just wanted you to know I am praying for you guys. I have definitely had my share of unexpected illnesses in dealing with my kids. Nathan and Noah share the same genetic disorder and Zayne has some medical challenges of his own. I have been there. I am still there some days. I am always reminded about God's will and comforted when I read this scripture.
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139: 13-16

Keep your head up. God is going to do great things with sweet Shepard!

In Christ,
April Hale

Oh, and about mommy insticts...Nathan wouldn't be alive today if I had not had a 'gut feeling'. He was only 7 days old and he had slept longer than normal and he didn't sound right or look right to me. But I was a brand new mom with a brand new baby, what did I know? He had even been to the pediatrician that day and looked great. But something threw me into a panic like no other and I KNEW that we had to get him to the hospital. The doctors told later that if he had went to bed that night he would have never woke up.

lauren said...

Lindsey, I'm praying for y'all! It is so hard to watch your children go through difficult things, and I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. I'll be praying for good health for him and strength and peace for you. Don't let yourself go down that route of thinking this was something you did. You are such an attentive and wonderful mother! Think of all of the teen/crazy/neglegent mothers out there with perfectly healthy kids! Keep us updated! Sending hugs your way!!

Marie said...

Lidsey- I am praying for your family, especially for Shep and for you. I can understand the doubts in your mind popping up asking "what did I do?". Don't let Satan get that foothold! You are an amazing mother, and even though I have never been blessed to see you in action, your heart and concern come through this blog like a laser beam :) Things happen, and we don't understand the why....but we don't need to. God has a plan and He will use this for His Glory! Shep has an amazing family (immediate and extended) who will be there to support him and you! Don't beat yourself up....you followed your instinct and you will continue to. You are his warrior, his protector and you are well suited.
Keep us posted on all the info- He will be in our prayers for a quick recovery and for answers for you all. Hug on that boy, and tell Chad to hug on you- His AMAZING wife and mother to his children!

Sara said...

Aw, Lindsey,I'm sorry Shep has had trouble again. We will add all of you to our prayer list. We love you!

Amanda said...

Oh Lindsey, I'm so sorry! Shep is so blessed to have such a wonderful mother! It's not right for one little boy to have endured so much already. We will be praying for your peace of mind and Shep. Keep trusting your instinct. No one knows kids like mama!